Pill Popper – April 6, 2015 (Second post for this day…)

Posted on by sbb
Reply

Another visit to the oncology nurses in the second week since my first chemo was administered. I think I’ve called them on average every 3 days with some other question or concern.  This has led to me visiting the hospital (oncology office) twice to have them check my blood counts and see me in person.  Given the situation, better to err on the side of caution on this one – the nurses and the doctors I’ve spoken to have all agreed and encouraged me to keep calling with my questions.

My questions center around me having a bit of a cold. One is not supposed to get sick while mid-chemo treatment plan.  My track record the winter of 2014-2015 has been my worst in all of my 40 years. I not only got the flu for the first time in my life for a week but I followed it up with full on pneumonia which knocked me out of work for the entire month of December.  Even after I recovered it seems I’ve had a runny nose almost constantly from there with perhaps a few days here or there that I was 100% sniffles-free.  So – asking me to be without-cold is logical but, likely not in the cards for me.

Either way, here I am – little, viral cold and all. At unscheduled visit post-call to the oncology nurses, my doctor put me on one antibiotic for 7 days. Then I had another strange, possible infection show up as well in my jaw (have I mentioned that I had 2 root canals on a Monday and Tuesday and on Thursday had my first chemo? Ah yes – another story for another day!).  Anyway – now, following my second, unscheduled visit post-call to the oncology nurses, my new, odd –possible infection has led me to start yet another antibiotic which would be suitable for THIS issue.  Pills, pills pills. And more pills. I’ve never had so many medications in my body in my life. So many drugs administered by IV and with the chemo and now so many pills for managing my body chemistry to keep me healthy and out of harm’s way. I feel like a druggie – pill popper; just wasn’t expecting it.  Oh well. It is what it has to be. These doctors know their stuff; I trust them.

Anger – April 6, 2015

Posted on by sbb
1

4 Stages of Grief:  Denial. Depression. Anger. Acceptance.  Today I’m in the Anger stage.  My body is failing me – abandoning me. Every day something else new and wonderful shows up that warrants a call to the oncology nurses. So frustrating. I’m sick of being sick. It’s like I hit 40 and my warranty expired. WTF !? Now that I cannot go to the gym I wonder why I ever wasted all of those other days not going when I was healthy. It’s all in perspective isn’t it?

Anger I’m sure is an obvious part of being a cancer patient. It’s just that I feel like a bucking bronco in the pen with a rider on its back. I just want out of the pen and the rider the F! off of my back! Yup. That about describes my frustration. I’m not a patient person. My spirit is strong. I know I can do this . I just wish …

What do I wish? Well honestly – I guess I should be grateful when I step back and take a second to gain perspective. I should…. Be grateful that I’m physically strong to get through this.  Be grateful that my nausea has gone away for now. Be grateful that my colleagues, manager, and friends are so supportive of me and that I have the wonderful doctors and care facilities supporting my care during this time. Be grateful that I have enough fight I me to not give up on anything. Buck up little bronco; it’s a marathon not an 8 sec ride….

Gotta Have Something To Aim For

Posted on by sbb
Reply

Without a goal I am a person wandering around aimlessly in the woods. As I mentioned, I’m a planner so I NEED goals – a path, direction, target – anything to help me get through this. I wrote out my crossfit goals – the things I didn’t want to lose that I’d worked so hard for. Things I wanted to try to maintain or maybe even make stronger, if I could, while I endure chemo.

My goals are to maintain the ability to do….

  1. a 2:30 min plank (30 sec center, 30 sec right, 30 sec center, 30 sec left, 30 sec center)
  2. a 30 second handstand hold against the wall (update: or 3×30 sec handstand via walking the wall)
  3. run for 1 mile – whatever time it takes (or alternatively row for aerobic workout)
  4. do 10 burpees in a row
  5. do 10 wallballs with a 6 lb wall ball
  6. 10 KB swings in a row with a 27 lb kettle bell

Some of these are seriously softball goals – easy things – perhaps I should add time limits, but then again, I’m only about to go for my second chemo treatment in a few days – so who knows – maybe this will become insanely hard after treatment number 3 or 4….. I can always add more to do…..

With these goals in mind I designed my Mash Up workout. My goal is to continue to do the above workout at the gym and other variations at home as necessary  – even if I go slower, taking longer breaks, doing only 3 reps a time – whatever it takes, just to get through it. I’ve been told I’ll likely lose weight during chemo – and I don’t have tons to lose. If I lose weight I’ll be losing muscle – not something I want to do but unfortunately, I don’t think I have much of a choice in this matter.  So, for now– I’m going to set these as my goals – my wishes and dreams to help keep me strong. Only time will tell if I’ll be able to keep making it to the gym during my course of treatment. For now, at least I have a plan of what I want to do and how I will stay strong. I’m a planner with a plan. Means I’m in control of what I can control.

Cool as a Cucumber

Posted on by sbb
Reply

That’s what the Diagnostic Radiologist called me when she and I were chatting during my second biopsy (this one of the 5 mm tumor). My family isn’t known to be weak and whiny. We are survivors. We see the problem. Make a plan. Move on. We control of our lives, they don’t control us.

My Mother is deceptively tough, having survived my father walking out on her when I was 3. Not only did she take control of her life but she provided me with an amazingly stable, loving childhood where I never wanted for anything, and she went on to retire with a nice nest egg to ensure that she’s taken care of for life. She never remarried. She raised me by herself and succeeded in the times of Title IX and big shoulder pads. She’s my hero.

As an undergraduate studying science, one of my mentors, a young, just-hired female  professor recommended that I read “Women Don’t Ask” by Linda Babcock. I read it and shared it with my Mother. Amazing book. It’s true. We don’t ask. So I started asking and being more aware of the barriers I faced as an educated (PhD) scientist going into the industrial work force.

I am strong. My mother taught me to be nothing but strong and to persevere. I’m a highly educated woman with a PhD in science. Fast forward to the diagnosis and suddenly I find myself in a room with a doctor telling me I have breast cancer. It was surreal.  Given my education (I’d originally imagined my career landing me a job in a pharmaceutical company’s R&D department designing and synthesizing new drugs to target such diseases as cancer )– I wasn’t scared about not understanding what the doctor was telling me about my cancer. The science of what they know and don’t know didn’t scare me and still doesn’t to this day. What was unnerving was that less than a week ago all I was thinking was that I had a routine OB-GYN check up on Wednesday, and perhaps a first mammogram and now I have breast cancer and need to choose an oncologist and work with a team of doctors to determine my course of treatment. WTF?!

It will happen to you. Anna Quindlen told me it would happen to me and it did.

Posted on by sbb
2

In her amazing book “A Short Guide to a Happy Life”, Anna Quindlen wrote about life being in two stages – the before and the after stage.

“And then you were lying on a doctor’s table, or the phone rang. And your world suddenly divided, as my world did many years ago. It divided into “before” and “after”.

For her the “before” was before her mother became ill and the after was life after her mother passed away.

I came upon this book a few years before I made the decision to be Forty and Fabulous. I had been looking for ways to get my mind away from the constant negative thoughts that I had – that “never good enough feeling” that I had about my work and my life. When I looked around, REALLY looked around, I saw how lucky I was. I had a great job at a good, strong company with wonderful colleagues and I was interested in my work. I had a beautiful, healthy child and family. My Mother had moved across the country and now lived in the same town as I did. I didn’t have money issues. Everything I had worked for had come to fruition. I just had to learn how to stop, take a breath and look around to really enjoy what I had.

I found “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. This book was an eye opener. She was asking herself exactly what I was asking myself…

“One rainy afternoon, while riding a city bus, Gretchen Rubin asked herself, “What do I want from life, anyway?” She answered, “I want to be happy”—yet she spent no time thinking about her happiness. In a flash, she decided to dedicate a year to a happiness project.”

It was a great read and it led me to continue my search about how to be happier. Another book I came across and read was “The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work” by Shawn Achor . Yes- sounds like a “read for work” book, and in honesty it is, BUT Shawn Achor’s TED talk (which led me to the book) and his positive psychology gave me the first real tools I’d ever had to help me change my negativity. He talked about making a list each day of the positive things that have happened to you. As he puts it…

“It may sound hokey, or ridiculously simple-and indeed the activity itself is simple-but over a decade of empirical studies has proven the profound effect it has on the way our brains are wired. When you write down a list of “three good things” that happened that day, your brain will be forced to scan the last 24 hours for potential positives-things that brought small or large laughs, feelings of accomplishment at work, a strengthened connection with family, a glimmer of hope for the future. In just five minutes a day, this trains the brain to become more skilled at noticing and focusing on possibilities for personal and professional growth, and seizing opportunities to act on them.”

I tried it. Instead of writing it down, each night before going to falling asleep I’d lie in bed and look for 3 good things that happened to me. At first it was hard but with time, it got easier and I noticed that it really did help turn my negativity around quite a bit. I initiated a ritual with my daughter who was 4. Each night after tucking her into bed and reading her a book, we’d turn out the light and each say 3 things that happened that day that made us happy. I love this ritual.

Then again I also noticed on the days I didn’t browse through the local newspaper – where all they wrote about was who died tragically, who was killed, or who passed away – I also was able to remove that large, negative burden of bad news and sad events from my mind as well. Positive Psychology. Read about it if you want to know more. I found it to be quite eye opening and there are more books out there.

What does all of this Happiness Searching and Positive Psychology have to do with breast cancer? In my life, they are two juxtaposed chapters. The few years before my diagnosis I took baby steps daily at work and in my life towards a more positive view, working to live instead of living to work, hoping to someday not have such a strong feeling of not working hard enough, not being enough until one day, the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer – it became the easiest thing in my life to do – put me and my life first, my family, friends and support team second, and put work at a distant third.  Strangely in less than a month since my diagnosis my eyes are so wide open to all that I have. I live more in the moment than I EVER did before. Life is too much to bear if you look back or worry about tomorrow – so I simply enjoy today, every day, and take each day as it comes.  Yes – I now see the pivot point in my life – my “before” and my “after” as Anna said I would. Instead of thinking of it as a sole pivot point – as I did when I first read it in Anna Quindlen’s book, I now think of it as the changing of chapters in my life. Welcome to my new chapter – a Forty and Fabulous Breast Cancer Patient.