So tonight I decided, after attending my second ever cancer support group, that I’d sit down and write out (again, in a new journal) all the pros and cons and questions and thoughts and different ways to look at my situation in the hopes that this would lead me to some realization. Putting things on paper usually helps me clear the air and I realize things I wouldn’t have otherwise.

Not so much this time.

I decided I’d go on line and look for more info that I hadn’t looked into before. So I did, I went to the Breastcancer.org discussion boards and you know what? I must be a freakin’ idiot. Their discussion boards make no sense to me. Some posts are ancient. Some are not. Some which are more recent use abbreviations and I have NO F’ing clue what they are talking about! How is this possibly helping me understand anything? You know what it is doing? It is upsetting me more to try to look for help and come up not only with nothing but with info that could be helpful if I could actually decipher the magic code these women are speaking in. It’s only breast cancer – where is the cheat sheet to tell you what the F everything they are talking about means??!  They have abbreviations such as PS, BS, BMX, RADS….I couldn’t handle it. Sent me over the edge. Wanted to throw my computer across the room. Not helping.

I haven’t even had the guts to Google things like “masectomy images” or “bad lumpectomy” images because frankly, I’m afraid of what I’ll find. I even asked the plastic surgeon I spoke to this week for examples and he told me I could go on his website or use Google. I don’t want to find horror images but it seems that’s my next task to try to settle this mess and make some semblance of a decision on my upcoming surgery.

Side note – as I had my fit I was saved by my husband who is all knowing and helped me decipher the insane abbreviations. Now when I read they make a bit more sense but I still am NOT a fan of the discussion boards. I like people better.

It’s late. I’m going to bed. Nothing is sorted. I think, after straightening the heck out of the house, I might try my new app for Her2 cancer patients. Has a relaxation/meditation thingy to listen to. Who knows? It might actually work to calm me down. Or not. Ha. Time will tell.