I’ve been posting mostly workouts recently. Seems I’ve got the rhythm down for this 3 week cycle I’m on. Thing is, I’m in a funk. I should map it out on a calendar. I think some may be hormonal since my hormones are anything but normal. Some days I am better at controlling my food choices and intake than others. Yesterday was a bad day. I’m in a funk. Going to the gym yesterday didn’t help clear it like it used to in the good old days. I want to sleep and be warm and snuggly but I lie in bed, hot under my blankets and I wake up at 4 am no matter what. I want to fake out my circadian rhythm by getting up for a bit and then hopefully returning for a little shut eye. I know I need it. I stayed up last night watching the end of a movie because out of nowhere I felt nauseous enough to have to take a pill to calm it back down. Argh! So frustrating. I would like to be done with this all now. I want to fast forward through it all and just have it behind me but you can’t. You cannot selectively fast forward the bad and just slow down for the good. Doesn’t work that way. Just is.

So each day I try to choose happiness over funk but I don’t think it’s working as well. Yesterday I went for the chai latte at work to help boost my energy. I feel like I must be doing pretty good if I’m back to having anxiety over work. So much to do and everything takes longer than I think it will and I just know I’m going to be letting folks down if I don’t at least finish some big things on my to do list. I had my birthday off and loved it. I planned all sorts of things that I liked to do and I did them. With so much time outside of work I’m definitely not as work focused as I was before – and I think that’s a great thing but I still continue to feel a deep guilt that I’m not knocking it out of the park like I used to. I know, I know I have to focus on what I am accomplishing, and stop telling myself and sharing these negative thoughts with others because if I didn’t tell them, they WOULDN”T KNOW! Ugh. Funk Funk.

I guess I’m just sad. I am tired of looking in the mirror at my bald head day after day. I wish my hair would come back – but it won’t even begin to do so until some time after my last chemo on July 9th – which is technically my last chemotherapy but far from my last 3 week visit for my immunotherapy which will continue every 3 weeks until about April 2016.

I want to read more books. Should have started reading the Girls of Atomic City sooner – it’s another thick book, non-fiction that looks great. I will have a new fiction book to read after this Saturday when I meet with my book club. Books seem to help pull my mind away from everything that is going on.

And when folks are so supportive and say “you are almost done with your chemo! Isn’t that great?” all I can think of is how much closer I am to my double mastectomy and reconstruction surgery. Yeah?! I’m already planning for my 3 weeks off in August – sleeping, huddled on the couch. Reading. Resting. Recovering. It’s going to be here before I know it and I fear I’m- know I’m – beginning to obsess over work. I just wish the funk would lift. It was easier to be positive earlier on I think. Now I’m in one of those spots in the marathon where you just wondering how you are ever going to make it to the end and you think to yourself, just keep moving. Don’t stop. One baby step at a time. Distract yourself. Enjoy the scenery. Look around and take in the sights around you as you continue on this detour, this journey. And when it doesn’t sink in, say it all again, with feeling.