So much of being a cancer patient revolves around wanting to be normal. To look normal. To not look sick and, well, like you are a cancer patient. Overall I’ve been pretty good at hiding it, excluding the loss of my long hair. This has left me feeling strong, if not a slight bit “alternative” with my bald head.

Unfortunately, it isn’t just hair loss that is noticeable. Other side effects are also visually noticeable – so I’m learning. Now that I’m 5 treatments in, the hit on my fingernails is too much. I used to have beautiful, strong, healthy nails. All pink, strong and clear. Now my nails are kept very short – almost one would think, too short – but not so. With the neuropathy I feel, it is easier to keep them short to avoid catching long nails on anything unexpected and pulling on them. Also, more recently, my nails have gone from having deep, dark bands in them (due to the treatment) to being downright brown in color – and looking as though they are separating from my fingertips. I see the treatment schedule as a race – can I complete it without losing my fingernails. Who signed me up for this hideous game?

To this end, I decided tonight to put nail polish on my finger nails. Nothing fancy – just buff color to at least keep the abnormal and definitely unhealthy looking brown patches from catching anyone’s eye (including my own). It’s strictly a vanity thing but you know what, it’s important to me. Very important.

Now my toe nails, not so much an issue. I had a pedicure a while ago – second one since treatments have started – and I haven’t had to face any ugly discoloring. In fact, I’ve been quite happy with my cute looking toes recently. Also – since they grow so much slower than my finger nails, I’m fairly certain that the impact to their overall health hasn’t been as bad as it has to my finger nails. I have to keep them short, too – due to the neuropathy, but that’s normal.

So it continues, a battle for normalcy. The life of a cancer patient.