Pissed off. That’s what I’m currently am. Luckily, this is an emotion I can actually do something with. An emotion which I can funnel into a useful activity such as Crossfit. TGF Crossfit!

You know, it took a little time but I was ok with losing my hair. I knew it was coming. I took a breath – it fell out, I accepted it. I moved on. I even still mourn it some days but it’ll be back.  Now, to add insult to injury my nails are finally starting to go. And by go I mean complete their departure from my body. What began as beautiful nails – pink underneath the nails, long and feminine with nice white tips has turned into big browny-splotchy things with ridges that all look awful and now, they are finally started to lift off, and despite neuropathy which you think might actually HELP in this situation and make it NOT hurt – it actually hurts like HELL when I bump the nails into something.  Yeah, I’m angry all right. I’m pissed off.

So today I went to the gym. I’m technically near the end of my nadir period but I’ve now done this whole thing enough to feel comfortable with the hand washing, no face-touching – stay healthy thing. I went to the gym and did the work out with everyone. I had to scale a bit but I did it. Made me feel better. Despite feeling like I’m even losing more and more of my dignity each time I bump my nails and am immediately, and PAINFULLY reminded that I have cancer and my nails are now falling off – I did the F’ing work out and it felt good. Screw Cancer. I’m pissed now.  For the next 2 weeks before my next treatment I’m going to the gym and kickin’ some ass  ’cause I’m SO done with this.  No one told me about my nails falling out. I think if’ I’d been prepared like I had my hair it wouldn’t have been so bad. I thought I’d seen all of the side effects. Hopefully no more show up or I’ll really go over the edge and I’m pretty much already dancing on the Pissed Off Ledge so let’s just NOT go there.  As it is, I am now using “new skin liquid bandage” to help keep my nails tight to my finger so they won’t get knocked/pull off my hands. The indignity of it!! Let’s just hope it works…..  If not I don’t if I can stand to stare at my fingers if they are all nail-less….don’t even know if I could keep them uncovered without nails or what. I just really don’t want to have to have the conversation with myself. Seriously! Enough is ENOUGH!!