5 Days ago I had my surgery. Double mastectomy followed by first phase of reconstruction – implanting of the expanders. Not sure where I thought I’d be right now or how I’d feel right now. Whatever I imagined I don’t feel like this is it.

On the bright side –

1. my pain is manageable. I can come completely off the pain medication (Percoset) – letting it wear off completely for an extended time (7-8 hours), but in the end, I need to take it again since the post-surgery pain is ever-present. Even if I can tough it out for a while and feel strong in the long run I need to give myself a break and take the meds.

2. I am mobile. I can get up, move around and take care of myself. I’m not bed-ridden. I can sit up, stand up, walk around, pick things up and put them down (as long as they don’t weigh too much).

3. I have support. It wasn’t until Friday that I remarked on Facebook that I’d completed my surgery and was on the healing side now – with the worst behind me. Not so certain the worst is 100% behind me though. Honestly, I still think I’m in some of the worst – it’s not a one shot, sharp shooting kind of pain or situation – this whole cancer thing is a long, ultra marathon – of multiple trials and obstacles to be overcome.  Either way, the support is their from friends and family all over. Also, very importantly, I also have the support of other survivors through the young women’s cancer survivor’s FB page. I just texted one of the women this morning after having my emotional damn break on me. She’s amazing – always fast to respond and so supportive! The group is great and I look forward to seeing them again in the future. They are a fantastic support.

4. I have the rest of my physical health and strength. Others who had gone through similar surgery talked about how uncomfortable it was being home after the surgery and how much it hurt to try to sit up, etc. For me – I’ve had surgery which cut through my abdomen 2 other times in my life. To me -those were a lot harder when looking at mobility post-surgery.  With those surgeries any time I tried to sit up I used the very muscles that had been cut – this time, I focus more on using my stomach muscles to sit up and my pectoral muscles aren’t so sore when I sit up. Yes, they hurt but I can tolerate it when I move around the bed.

So – why do I not want to look in the mirror? Because it’s not a pretty sight. What I was only 5 months ago vs what I look like now is a huge, HUGE change. Things won’t be the same moving forward. I almost want to cover mirrors like folks who are Jewish do when someone dies – to remind yourself that you shouldn’t think about how you look, you need (I need) to focus on taking care of myself, experiencing all of the emotions I’m feeling and then healing and moving on, moving on and healing. It’s not a quick process, it’s a long process where I have to mourn over everything that was lost and now accept what is here, then in time, take what I now have and begin to grow in new ways I hadn’t imagined.

The brutality of it – also, who wants to look at me right now? I don’t. My head is still nearly bald – though it is growing back it’s still very short and not 100%. Big bald head. No make up. Make up is a big thing – make up makes me feel in control, beautiful, strong and courageous. I’m post-op right now, not a focus so this only adds to the sad image I see in front of me when I do look in the mirror. I have on an oversized button down shirt – with only one button near my chest buttoned. The rest is wide open in order to accommodate the post-op drains. I still have two holes in my body – one on the right side of my chest and one on the left – where clear plastic tubing goes into my body. The tubes (protected by what looks like clear, saran-wrap stuck to my skin to keep infection out) – extend around to about my belly button. All 4 tubes come together and are pinned together to a piece of surgical tape/gauze on my stomach. Each drain is like a small grenade-shaped clear, soft, plastic bulb that holds the liquids that are draining from my chest – where the breast tissue was removed. The shirt cannot easily close over the 4 big bulbs that hang off my stomach as a contact reminder of what I’ve had done to myself. Being reminded is not what I want. I want to be normal again. The drains gone, the pain gone, and to be back at the gym and work….but that’s just not the case. It’s going to take a few more weeks to get rid of all of the drains and a few more months before I am back with my old mobility. It just sucks. Luckily the only constant is change so slowly this situation will get better, even if I cannot tell day to day, I know that it is.